The Trans-Siberian Orchestra has at least one suburban compatriot

Ah, Christmas. Nothing quite brings out the bad taste in people like the Yuletide.

There are two manifestations of this type of bad taste: music and lights. Christmas music is almost uniformly bad. With the exception of maybe Vince Guaraldi's Charlie Brown soundtrack, most Christmas music is about either sap or pomp. Most of it is sickeningly sweet ("Chestnuts Roasting O'er an Open Fire," "I'll Be Home for Christmas," "White Christmas," etc., "White Christmas" made even worse by the fact it was written by Irving Berlin, probably the most famous Jewish songwriter of all time), and the rest of it is absurdly bombastic ("God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen," "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel," and most of the more Christian songs).

The lighting is a spectacle of itself these days, an hilarious trademark of suburban culture, and as with the music, the more money one has to spend on lighting one's home, the further it drifts from the boundaries of good taste.

Which brings me to this:



You may have seen this before, because it's a couple years old. If you haven't, trust me, it's real. Here's the full story.

Here's the thing with bad taste: if your bad taste is strong enough, if you execute it with enough steadfast conviction, your bad taste ceases to be a negative factor. It becomes something akin to the music of, say, Queen: it is completely ridiculous, it is completely over the top, but that's exactly the point, and it is awesome.

And, in short, that's what we're witnessing with this video. After all, there's nothing more ridiculous than the music of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, which takes everything ridiculous about Christmas and Queen and adds a dash of unselfconscious pretension to top it off. Combining it with a bombastic light show that's coordinated with the music is the type of absurd and brilliant touch that can push something over the edge that separates "stupid" and "amazing."

Or perhaps it doesn't separate the two as much as join them.

band name bonanza

For whatever reason, I probably put more thought into band names than most people. I think this makes sense on some level. First impressions last, and often say a lot, right? First off, I'm going to get a little mileage from the archives. This was written on January 12, 2005:

How to Make a Band Name that Doesn't Suck

by Tom

1. Pick something that's memorable, or at the very least not completely mundane and generic. Go ahead, try to find ANYTHING on Google about The Music or The The.
2. Avoid pop culture references. These are bad because audience reactions will be along these lines:
50% - Don't get the reference
25% - Get the reference and think it's stupid
25% - Get the reference but don't really care about it.
They're also short-sighted. Pray for Mojo might seem cute now, but can you imagine if there was a band around today called "Archie Bunker's Chair" or something like that? The only band that I can think of that gets away with this one is Mogwai. Franz Ferdinand do too, but they're beyond "pop culture reference" and into "historical reference."
3. To paraphrase Sub-Pop's Pitchfork Media parody, if you name your band something that nobody can pronounce, don't be surprised when nobody can pronounce it. Examples: !!!, and with all due respect to two of my roommates, Kilion and Mahlon.
4. If your band is anything that could remotely be considered to be (the dreaded word...) "emo," for the love of God, don't use an "-ing" verb or a name of a month or day of the week. If you have both (God forbid)... then your band is probably Taking Back Sunday and your name fits perfectly because you're a band of walking cliches anyway.
5. Shock value = not really shocking anymore. If your band name is Rotting Christ or I Raped Mother Teresa, we're not recoiling in horror. We're laughing at you.

Hmmm...

Well, I suppose there are a couple of things I would add, and some things I would say differently now (and some things I would be more diplomatic about). First off, I would definitely stress Google-ability. In this day in age, it's all about the internet, and if nobody can remember how to spell or pronounce your name, they're not going to find your myspace page, and they're not going to go to your shows. And if you just read that and said, "If people can't spell or pronounce my band's name, that's their problem, not mind," then you may be a pompous ass. Maybe. And nobody is coming to your shows.

Here are a couple more rules I'd abide by:

6. Don't name your band after a pre-existing song by a band you like, unless you want to be associated as a mere ripoff of them forever. I like Brian Wilson as much as anybody, but you'll never see me in a band called "Heroes and Villains." And twenty years from now, when the surviving members of Godsmack go on a reunion tour of Boston-area bars and pubs, people are still going to be saying, "I bet those guys like Alice in Chains, heh heh."

If you have to name your band after something already existing, make it from a relatively obscure poem, play, or novel, or an even more obscure arthouse film. That way, you get the added benefit of appearing literate, and nobody will ever say things like, "Man, Modest Mouse totally ripped off Virginia Woolf." (Nor did they rip off Modest Moussorgsky.)

7. Remember that Simpsons quote about a band name that is funny the first time you hear it, and gets more and more annoying each time after that ("The Be Sharps")? Avoid that kind of thing. The Dandy Warhols, The Boy Least Likely To, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, etc.

So there you go. Once again I've spent far too much time on that. What is a good band name, you ask? That I'm not so sure of. My only answer is anything that's not a bad one.

Revenge of the hippies!

Another link (how blogger-ish of me):

Hippies still trying to ruin the country.

I had to read it almost three times before I was convinced that it wasn't actually an Onion-esque satire piece, and even now I have my doubts. The overall effect, however, is the same: I link to it as a comedy piece, because Lord knows it doesn't warrant any serious discussion. It's hilarious that there are people in the world with such an absurdly skewed view of their political opposites. I'm not saying that people like this don't exist on the left (the "Bush is the next Hitler" people are similarly deluded; I will say again, as I have before, that I think Bush is well-meaning but catastrophically misguided), but I haven't seen anything this ridiculous in a while.

Here's the icing on the cake: "For aging hippies, it's easier to keep blaming old enemies than to confront new ones..."

Because blaming, of all people, aging hippies for all of the problems in this country is not at all beating a dead horse.

Jimmy Stewart's got nothin' on Dubya

This amuses me.

Philly sports are in a dire situation

Donovan McNabb has now had injuries that have ended his regular season on November 14, 2005, November 17, 2002, and November 19, 2006.

Donovan remains, at this point, my favorite NFL player (I maintain that no player in the entire league can do as much for their team when they are hot as #5 can for the Eagles), but at this point we have to start wondering if injuries are a part of the deal with Donovan, if he's another Eric Lindros.

I, for one, would hate to see McNabb's career in Philadelphia end that way, since he's easily the most gifted football player ever to play in this town (seriously, can you name anybody better? Steve Van Buren?), but at this point, it seems like a legitimate possibility. A torn ACL is 8 to 12 months, so even at the most optimistic, McNabb will be back only barely in time for training camp next year, and at worst he could come back a year from now, more than halfway through the 2007 season.

McNabb turns 30 next Saturday, and will be almost 31 by the time of his return next year. With the relatively short shelf life of NFL players, it's not out of place to ask if the best of the McNabb/Reid era has passed, and if it's not time to rebuild around a new quarterback.

At this point, I feel ridiculous pondering such questions, but if/when Donovan McNabb gets hurt again, it won't be such an easy question to shrug off. I can only hope at this point that he comes back in MVP form, as he has before, but I'll be holding my breath for all of next year. I'm probably as big a fan of Donovan McNabb as anybody around, save maybe Sam and Wilma McNabb, but if Donovan is a lost cause, it's time to let go. Only time will tell, I suppose.

INSULT TO INJURY: The Cubs seem to be on the verge of signing Alfonso Soriano, apple of the Phillies' eye, for 8 years and $136 million. This will likely mean the Phillies will be stuck with Pat Burrell in left field for at least another season, and their big right-handed protection for Ryan Howard (who may be the NL MVP, which we will find out later today) will be some combination of Burell, Jeff Conine, and Wes Helms. Ugh. Was it seriously a few days ago that we were talking about the Phillies being legitimate World Series contenders?

Here are our prospects for our other teams: the 76ers have an aging superstar (Allen Iverson), a rising star (Andre Iguodala), and an unhappy role player (Chris Webber), and don't seem to figure as more than a .500/first round playoff team, and the Flyers are as awful as they've looked in 15 years, with Peter Forsberg, the best player in the world, almost certain to be gone by the end of the year. Ugh. The Phillies are actually our best hope. God help us.

Joanna Newsom/Van Dyke Parks

I hardly need to add to the avalanche of lavish praise heaped upon the new Joanna Newsom album, Ys. I am also going to be the first person to write about it without explaining how to pronounce the album's title.

To keep things a bit brief, I too think it's fantastic. It's one of those rare albums that absolutely blew me away the first time I heard it, and is only getting better with subsequent listens. The links above will provide a good enough summary of the album and its greatness, so I'm not going to spend too much time describing the sound. The songs themselves unfold like a book, and contain a small book's worth of lyrics that will have me and everybody else analyzing months from now.

However, I think for me, what may push it over from "very good" to "fantastic" are the string arrangements by none other than my old pal Van Dyke Parks. As a card-carrying member of Parks' small but feverish cult (ok, I don't literally carry a card), I'm always happy to see Van Dyke turn up anywhere. In fact, I just recently watched a pair of Beach Boys documentaries that feature some interviews with the always-interesting half-hippie-half-beatnik (which I was actually planning on writing about in this space).

Of course, Ys isn't the first time Parks has made significant contributions to somebody else's amazing album, but he's put out a couple of classics himself. His debut, Song Cycle, features a lot of the idiosyncratic orchestral swirls that frequently grace Ys. And where did he go from there? A whole album of calypso music titled Discover America in 1972. Considering 1984's Jump and 1998's live album, Parks seems to resurface with a great album once a decade. Maybe he's getting warmed up for something with Ys. If not, I can still enjoy the rambling brilliance of that album.

Election notes:

8:46 - Here's what I'm looking at on CNN right now in the New Jersey Senate race:

Kean: 52%
Menendez: 47%

Projected winner: Menendez

Say what? Lou Dobbs ran through some vague explanation about exit polls and the demographic makeup of the counted precincts, and why that means Menendez has won already, but still... isn't this how all the networks made fools of themselves in 2000?

CNN has some very weird broadcast quirks. Why didn't they give Anderson Cooper a desk? He has to walk around awkwardly asking panelists questions, and while they answer he has to stand on the other side of their one long desk like he's Richard Dawson or something. And what's with the handheld camera work? They ran out of dollies or something? It looks unprofessional and weird.

Casey and Rendell have both been projected winners. Hallelujah.

More later, probably.

DECISION 2006! (semi-ironic title)

Believe it or not, I have been looking forward to this day for almost two years. I tried to find the blog entry that would prove it, but it was written long before I started this thing, and I'm not diving back into that xanga hellhole. But I distinctly remember writing something like "in only 20 months Pennsylvania will have the chance to rid itself of Rick Santorum."

So here we are. I voted earlier today, and am now sitting back, eagerly awaiting results from across the country. Will Webb and Menendez pull it out in Virginia and New Jersey? Will Democrats actually win House seats in districts in Idaho that are 70% Republican?

Bob Casey's lead over Santorum here in PA has looked fairly safe all along, and Ed Rendell is probably going to win over Lynn "Vote for me, I played football!" Swann in a landslide, but I still have my fingers crossed.

Anyway, I want to be one of those pious types who encourage everybody to Participate in Democracy and Be a Good Citizen and all that, but let's face it: if you're going to vote for Santorum, I'd honestly rather you stay home. I'm not that pure with my motives. And it's getting late in the day anyway.

I'll be back tomorrow with more thoughts.

Vote Casey.

I like indie music as much as (or more than) the next guy. It probably makes up half of what I listen to, the other half being any and all music recorded before 1975.

But here's the thing. There's a lot of really bad indie music. The ratio of bad to good indie music is probably much higher than the ratio of bad to good major label music. And regardless of the music, the indie "scene" (whatever that means, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to describe now) has inspired some questionable choices. Moustaches, men in women's jeans, and any other number of things that may or may not be ironic, if only anybody could tell.

Which leads me to this:



























Basically, I can't think of any conceivable reason for that to exist, and it was so mystifying that I just had to share it with everybody.

Here's the thing.

I am currently angry because I wrote a big long thing about baseball and some other things, and it has apparently disappeared. Arg.