I'm pretty sure Ben-Hur and Spartacus are the same movie, anyway

There are plenty of examples of how political involvement can sully the reputation of an artist, actor, or performer in the minds of roughly half the population, and there are examples on both sides of the spectrum. Jane Fonda is one example. Barbra Streisand is one. Ted Nugent is one. And hey, here's where I'm going with this, Charlton Heston is another.

I first encountered Charlton Heston as the star of every hilariously overblown epic ever made in the 50s and 60s (and every time Ben-Hur or The Ten Commandments came on TV, my dad would proclaim the movie's untouchable greatness, and get nostalgic for the days when ham-fisted history buffs like David Lean and Cecil B. DeMille ruled Hollywood). In the late 90s, Heston became more familiar as the face of angry gun-toting conservatives across the country, and that's about when I started developing an irrational hatred of Heston, a feeling that only grew when I saw him in Bowling for Columbine actin' a fool.

Here we are years later, and Heston died, and I can scarcely remember why I hate him so much. The "cold dead hands" moment sticks in my brain, but I had to do some research to realize that he was a conservative nutjob well before he became president of the NRA. Check out this quote: "Somewhere in the pipeline of public funding is sure to be a demand from a disabled lesbian on welfare that the Metropolitan Opera stage her rap version of Carmen as translated to Ebonics."

Ouch! Take that, lesbians, disabled people, publicly funded arts, opera in general, rap, and, uh, black people!
I was working on the best "cold dead hands" joke to make about his passing (rough draft: "Are Charlton Heston's dead hands cold enough to pry his gun away from them yet?"), but The A.V. Club came up with a better one, found here, along with the moment that will almost certainly be better remembered than "damn dirty ape" or "let my people go" or "I am Spartacus" or whatever. Ok, that last one was Kirk Douglas. Anyway, reproduced caption: "Has anyone checked to make sure nobody has stolen Charlton Heston's musket in the last couple of days?"

I guess you could say I wasn't terribly sad at the news of his death. The other quip I came up with had something to do with him and Ronald Reagan and Alzheimer's and delusions of grandeur. It was pretty mean.

Unrelated: I just saw Meat Loaf in a commercial for AT&T or something, and it was kind of awesome. Another ad was for a movie from "the guys who brought you Knocked Up." I'm quoting it because those are the exact words that appeared on the screen. How pointlessly vague is that shit? It's weird that the only time you ever see that type of thing is in ads for shitty-looking comedy movies that I hope I never see. Like the above example, or anything with Rob Schneider or the Wayans. We need to adapt this sales tactic to other mediums. "Shine a Light, from the guys who brought you Taxi Driver and 'Start Me Up.'" I think that record labels should start advertising any Brian Eno-produced album as being from "the dude who brought you The Joshua Tree." Hell, why even limit it to albums he produced? Which record label was Robert Wyatt's Comicopera out on? Print this in Rolling Stone ASAP: "Robert Wyatt's Comicopera: there was a dude who was involved in making The Joshua Tree who was also tangentially involved in this project." Platinum by May, guaranteed.

Wait, what was this about? Oh right, Charlton Heston... nah, I'm done with that dude.