I know that by this point, writing about the creative bankruptcy of Hollywood studio film-making is beyond redundant, but I'm still amazed at what manages to come out of there. By the time I sit here and bitch about the fact that a Transformers movie exists, and wonder if things can sink any lower, they've already moved on to making a Thundercats movie. And so on.
But still: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
The tragedy of this is that there will probably be more people who see Monopoly: The Movie than will ever see There Will Be Blood and No Country for Old Men combined. Or pick any other two movies that somehow get made these days that are actually good.
The other sad thing is that these board game-based movies will undoubtedly be completely idiotic, and nowhere near as hilarious as they are in my head. Can you imagine how amazingly psychedelic a movie based on "Candy Land" could be? Think about it in terms of how it might actually be made, and it becomes a cheap CGI coming-of-age tale with "hilarious" pop-culture references and wacky voice cameos by Drew Carey as King Kandy and Wanda Sykes as Queen Frostine.
I also like to imagine a Monopoly-based movie where Uncle Pennybags is some sort of near-omnipotent Mafia kingpin type, or a Battleship movie about a warship blindly firing torpedos based on an arbitrary grid on a map, while the captain listens over a two-way to see if the Russians (or whoever) say "Oh no! Torpedo hit at C-8! Our submarine has been sunk!" The actual Battleship movie will surely be a sub-Hunt for Red October nautical thriller, but I really can't imagine how Monopoly can be made into a movie. I can only picture it as some sort of Glengarry Glen Ross type thing where we watch the characters sink lower and lower into pathetic desperation, while your friend's smug asshole older brother won't loan you the rent you don't have to stay at St. James Place so you can stay alive for just one more turn, because you KNOW somebody HAS to hit that Atlantic Ave-Ventnor Ave-Marvin Gardens monopoly you have in the next turn.
The Ouija movie will obviously be some sort of mildly scary J-Horror knock-off.
2 comments:
a) Couldn't you see Danny Devito as the Monopoly man or Mo'nique as Gloppy the Molasses Monster?
2) Was Jumanji a real board game before the movie?
d) Was I high when I saw Jumanji?
I'm pretty sure Jumanji was a book, then a movie, then a board game, but I don't really feel like looking it up to check it.
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